Dear Supa Sista,

My situation is two-fold. Please share your thoughts on long distance relationships. I live in Los Angeles, and I've recently begun dating a guy in another state. I've known him for twenty years. We went to school together, and we reconnected on FaceBook. We've always been cool, but we have never dated before three months ago.

I also have an ex, who won't LEAVE ME ALONE. How can I make him understand that it is over?

Signed,
In Love and Over It

Dear In Love & Over It,

I was going to tell you to get a large shoe box and fill it with feces and FedEx it to your ex's house (I hate UPS), but my husband says that poop is flammable and you'd probably be arrested or have to pay a fine. With that said, you should probably change his number to "DO NOT ANSWER" in your cellphone, because if you delete it, and you forget that it's him, then you'll accidentally answer and have to hear him whine. Next, you should also tell him that you have an incurable sexually transmitted disease and that you'd rather sleep with a baby cow. If none of this works, give me his address. I know an Italian.

Side Note: "DO NOT ANSWER" is also a good way to store bill collectors in your cell phone. It saves you the headache of having this conversation:

"Ma'am, would you like to make a payment today?"

"Hell no! If I had the money, I would have sent it to you in the first place!"

Moving on. Supa Sista doesn't do long distance relationships. I need to keep my penis close to me. Your mileage may vary. I don't believe distance can hurt a bond that is based on trust, mutual respect, commitment and love, but if you haven't seen this guy since twenty years ago, I'm not sure how much of any of these things you guys have. Take it slowly.

Long distance relationships work best when there's a plan (i.e. In 2010, one of you will relocate to where the other one is.) This can't go on forever. You also need to schedule times to communicate with each other, and be detailed about your day (co-worker's names, the weather, etc.), so your partner feels involved. Don't get too chatty though. Even in long distance relationships people need time to miss each other. Limit phone calls to an hour per day. You can't pull all-nighters every night and be productive. I've tried.

If the two of you can, you should visit each other often! I would suggest clearing your calendars during these visits to maximize on quality time. You know I'd also suggest bending over with a few candles lit. :) One person shouldn't be doing the bulk of the traveling though. They'll begin to harbor resentment.

Lastly, you should incorporate the element of surprise to spice things up and don't forget to maintain your own life at home. Send interesting things in the mail (people love to get mail), hire a singing telegram chick, send flowers, have phone sex. Don't lose sight of your own goals, maintain your friendships and make sure you continue to grow as a person. If you become too engrossed, he'll lose interest and you'll lose your job. Good luck!

Signed,

Supa Sista

Labels: advice, thematic thursdays